


mono no aware.

by gunnedrobin



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: AU, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Heavy Angst, Love Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:09:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27165026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunnedrobin/pseuds/gunnedrobin
Summary: in which Lord Ushijima tries to make amends with his heart in a series of letter exchanges.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> mono no aware - the pathos of things.

Dried leaves fall, landing and carried away by the calm stream flow. His olive green eyes fondly stare at the smaller male in front of him. A soft glow from the setting sun and a calm breeze caresses the top of his orange hair, the grin on his face seems to be contagious and he finds himself smiling, though just a little. He tries not to think about the world outside this seemingly makeshift realm that they made.

“When are you leaving Ushijima-san?” he almost flinches at the name he used and the question. If anything he was hoping he wouldn’t say anything, but he knows Hinata isn’t one to linger, if anything, he was honest. He supposes it’s one of the things that made him fall in love.

“Tomorrow.”

“I see. I suppose the trip to the Tendou Estate is a bit long.” There was a distant tone in the younger male’s voice. The truth of the outside world finally manages to pierce through their small bubble. For a moment they were just two souls who found love: one from a reigning noble family, tasked to uphold its tradition and carry on its strength and honor; another from a fallen one, task to save the pickup and save whatever is left of the dying breed. Yet both having responsibilities to uphold.

“How about you?” In all honesty, he didn’t really want to know. Because knowing meant acknowledging the hurtful fact that everything would come to an end soon.

“A week after yours. Mother has made arrangements with the Kageyama household. They want the ceremony as quick and as soon as possible.”

Wakatoshi lets out a hum. Capturing Shoyo’s face gently in his palms, thumbs tracing the outline of his cheekbones. He looks so small compared to him, a little fragile bird. He hopes that he remembers what his skin feels like, how his eyes would look like, how his voice would sound like. For he is sure that there is only of little to no chance for them to be like this again in this lifetime.

He makes a move to meet the smaller male’s lips, only for the latter to softly shake his head. A small smile on his lips and a distant look on his eyes, “Don’t, Toshi.”

His eyes search his, trying to ask why. Shoyo sighs before continuing, “It will only make our parting harder than it already is.”

* * *

True to his word, Ushijima was gone even before the morning light could fully color the sky. The journey would be long and he wishes he could see him one last time. But he supposes the thought of thinking about his lover’s face throughout the journey wouldn’t be beneficial. He knows, as much of a stern man he is, his heart couldn’t bear to see the hurt on the face of his lover.

So he leaves with his men without a word.

Without a goodbye.

* * *

Tadashi finds the orange haired male alone in his quarters, staring blankly ahead, face towards the window and chin on his hand. It had been days and the young master was to leave the estate the day after tomorrow. Still it always seemed that the young male was waiting for something to return.

“Excuse me, young master Shoyo…”

A head whips in his direction, offering him a small smile and a pair of brows raised in question.

“I was instructed to give this to you today.”

Hinata tilts his head to the side. “What is it?”

“A letter, Sir. From Lord Ushijima. I was told to give you this on the fifth day upon his departure.” The freckled boy answers politely, carefully placing the neatly folded piece of paper on top of the low table next to his master. He does not acknowledge the lack of response, knowing fully well why. He receives a nod and he politely excuses himself.

Hinata takes a deep breath, trying to still his beating heart, trying to stop his lips from quivering and his eyes from watering from the thought of his love alone. He isn’t sure what pains him more, the fact that he didn’t even say good bye or the thought that even if he wasn’t physically with him, even now, he still managed to touch his longing heart.

He swallows the lump in his throat as he finally reads the letter.  
  


* * *

* * *

_My Little Crow,_

_It has been a while as we traverse the mountains of Kobe, the leaves have finally turned to a faint shade of orange and I thought of the crown in your head. By now, I suppose, maybe we have stopped to make camp for the night, did I ever tell you that even flames remind me of you too?_

_My father once said, being the hopeless romantic that he was, in order for the heart not to get lonely, one must search for things that comforts it. Even if they are small, trivial inanimate objects, as long as they serve to remind you of the heart you left behind and wish to come home to, it will do._

_Now where was I? Ah, yes, flames. They remind me of you, a fiery ball of light and warmth that I find myself getting lost in. I look into your eyes and I find myself drowning in them, the kind of embrace that makes me want to never come up for air._

_You hate it when I point out how small you are. You seem to take it as an insult, and though I find the way you pout and get angry at my honesty kind of cute, I never really had the chance to tell you what I meant. You see, little crow, the way I could easily grasp your hand, the way I could easily hold you close and carry you in my arms makes me feel like I’m holding the entire universe._

_How lucky am I, to hold such precious gift from the gods in my hand._

_They say that the strong and the powerful are those who have conquered, those who own riches, those who have found great knowledge and success, and those who have ruled and are still in reign….and yet, I find it hard to believe them._

_For I feel strongest and most powerful when I am with you. It is as if the world could go into oblivion; the moon crashing down and the stars raining from above, as if death could reap as all in one small snap…still I wouldn’t care, still I wouldn’t be afraid, for if I’m with you, nothing matters._

_I was raised to have a strong sense of responsibility, in a righteous household and to carry on with honor and pride. But there are nights when I think about throwing it all away and running away with you, should you ask me too. Just like how my father did. It must be a surprise for you. I think that explains why I never had the strength to tell you good bye in person, for part of me is afraid that you’ll ask me to stay, that you’ll ask me to drop everything and leave…and I would. Honor and glory be damned._

_How unlucky it is that we live in a time where our recklessness could cause the fall of thousands. But you and I both know that things aren’t supposed to be like that._

_We are two souls carrying the weight of things bigger than the both of us._

_My little crow, I do not know when our paths would cross again. But know that when the sun rises and when the sun sets, I am thinking of you. When my eyes open first thing in every tomorrow’s dawn, I yearn for you, and when I close them in the dark of the night as I sleep, I will always dream of you._

_Look at the palm of your hands, and know that in them, is my heart._

_Yours,_

_Ushijima Wakatoshi_


	2. once yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lord Ushijima receives a reply.

_My Lord,_

_It breaks my heart and crushes my soul to say, but the ceremony has been done by the time your hands grace this._

_I admit the strain in my heart as I approached the shrine and saw Lord Kageyama waiting for my hand. And though I know this is out of bounds, I can never stop myself from thinking how things could have been different if it were you. My smile could've been more genuine._

_Not a day goes by when I wake up and hope that the crown of brown locks beside me was your instead and your skin are the ones that my fingertips traverse each day._

_I close my eyes when he takes my lips in his and try to imagine you instead, and it breaks my heart a little more. For though my body is his, my heart will always be yours._

_Lord Kageyama, but insists I acknowledge him as Tobio, has been aware of our affair. And though I know my duties and responsibilities as his other half, he insists respects my past choices and wishes to be respectful to you. You are after all, a formidable ally. But it is both in our interest that we act maturely than we were before._

_And though it kills me inside, this might be the last time I can exchange correspondence with you that regards the matters of the heart… and as **Hinata Shoyo.**_

_For the next time, I may write to you, I would be **Kageyama Shoyo.** I owe him that much._

_You will always be the one who holds my heart in the palms of your hands and my soul wrapped around the tips of your fingers._

_In another life, my love._

_In another life, I would run straight into your arms, and in them I would stay._

_‘Til we meet again._

_Always._

_My love._

_My Wakatoshi._

_Once yours,_

_Hinata Shoyo_


	3. respectfully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lord Ushijima receives another letter, but the sender is not who he expects.

_Lord Ushijima,_

_I am writing this on a day where I am alone with nothing but the stars to keep me company. On a porch where greeneries are lush and the wind is peaceful. A reminder of everything I owe to my allegiance with you._

_You are a respectable man. Someone with great strength, disposition and discipline. Admirable. Perhaps even the son my father would've dream of having._

_If anything, you are the man I hope to become if things were different. I am not really one to discuss matters of the heart to anyone. I have always found it hard to put my feelings down into words. Nor do I have that many friends, even if I did. I must say, this is one sensitive matter don't you think?_

_I know that you have an idea what the subject of this message is._

_Have you ever felt that, Ushijima? The thought of sleeping next to an ethereal beauty to call yours but never having the chance to grasp the heart within it? To kiss the lips of someone who responds but hopes it’s another pair they kiss? To lay with someone and hold them in your arms, yet still feel their body searching, hoping, and yearning for a mold that is not you? The thought of spending a lifetime together with a masterpiece of a soul that you long for, and knowing that soul searches for someone that is not you?_

_I am aware that you and my husband are bonded in ways we never will. And as much as I respect that as a human and as a man, I could never deny the hurt._

_For when I look into his eyes, I am well aware that he sees straight past mine and hopes he sees yours?_

_And maybe, as much as I'd like to admit, I found myself wishing that even for a moment, I hope I was indeed you, if that meant Shoyo could love me even just half as much as he'd love you._

_I might be the man Shoyo gave his lifetime, but you will always be the man he gave his heart and soul to. I admit that much. But that doesn’t mean that I surrender in defeat of winning over his heart, I have a lifetime with him after all. And should the day come, where he finally sees me as the man I am and come into terms with his feelings, now that I did not force him to anything. For what matter to me is what he truly feels. What he truly is. Him…and him alone._

_I send this to you not to taunt nor challenge you but merely to state the truth. I know that you understand that me and Shoyo are now binded by law and are expected to do what is expected of us. Act responsibly and respectably._

_But know this, rest assured that I will treat Shoyo with outmost care and protection. For the way he feels for you, is the way I will always for him. I promise to protect him, to hear him, and to shower him with love, the way you would, if not more. I am after all, Kageyama Tobio and not Ushijima Wakatoshi._

_So rest assured and do not worry any longer._

_I vow on my life that he will never feel any pain of the heart nor the body as long as I am here. To ward off any harm that might come for him as long as I breathe. Because I love him more than anything in this life._

_I will take care of him, always. Forever._

_Respectfully,_

_Kageyama Tobio_

**Author's Note:**

> comments are deeply appreciated. lemme know what you think hehehehe.


End file.
